Just days ago, an asteroid landed on a YMCA facility in Montana, reducing the building to crumbles. This devastated YMCA-goers, now forced to go on the infamously bland, boring hikes their home state has to offer instead of the beautiful life-changing joys of the treadmill at the gym.
This asteroid is the first of many; government officials say that when they first tracked the Young Christain Men's Association’s killer, it didn't seem too ominous, and looked to be missing earth. However, it is clear this assessment was inaccurate, and others are on the way. Asteroids of similar shape and size are now visible on NASA’s radar, all following the same path as our recent new friend.
The presidential candidates responded with statements to this crisis, addressing the current situation and the rocky path ahead.
Democratic candidate Anthony Armstrong began his statement with a sentiment to the Americans. He gave his condolences to the shattered YMCA members before continuing to lay out his plan. Armstrong leaned on a reputable source: Science.
“Listening to our experts is, and always will be, the best path forward in preventing any damage and danger before it happens,” Armstrong said. “As for the damage that’s already been done, it is key that the government provides funding for the construction of a new YMCA.”
As Armstrong spoke to both the people affected and his practical, realistic and generous solutions to helping the American people, Candidate Hope Johnson also reigned true to her previous reputation of caring for every demographic in America and selfless nature.
Johnson is currently in Montana giving hands-on, first person aid to the crisis. Her campaign manager, Emma Jones, gave the statement in her place. Johnson highlighted the importance of keeping every person safe in these times of uncertainty.
“This is why we need free housing for houseless people living on the streets, vulnerable to these dangerous asteroids,” Jones said. “We need government support for this, because everyone deserves the resources to be safe.”
Johnson also mentioned her drive to rebuild our community, further reinforcing her name as a candidate for the people. However, on the other side of the spectrum, right-wing extremist Samuel Buck started off on the wrong foot. In his speech, he referred to the facility as the “Christian YMCPA,” which would, technically, stand for the Christian Young Men’s Christian (unknown origin of “P”) Association. In this crisis, America would hope that our candidate can properly name the association affected. Clearly, Buck is not paying attention to this anguishing event.
He then asked for a moment of silence and prayer, and did not give but half a second dedicated to this. He then completely disregarded science and personified the inanimate asteroid.
“We need to immediately and preemptively retaliate against the evil space rocks that seek to undermine our [unintelligible],” Buck said. “[We need to engage] in a space jihad the lengths of which have nebre been seen before in this country and in the galaxy.”
Buck avoids the fact that much of the galaxy has not been explored yet, suggesting that he simply doesn't know. Buck is speaking on science without knowing these basics. He intends to implement a “Christian space laser” and redirects funding from welfare to this strand of military he names “Samuel Bucks attackers from space defense agency.” He ends this Christian-exclusive speech with a fitting bible quote. Not very inclusive, Bucks.
The other red candidate, Bobby Gnocchi, begins his speech attacking his other candidates instead of focusing on the issue at hand. He inaccurately blames them for this crisis, stating that their disagreement with his stance on aliens is the reason this asteroid hit earth. However, research has recently revealed that this asteroid was from the recent supernova of a known star, which rules out any possibility of extraterrestrial life interacting with this rock.
“It disappoints me greatly to see other candidates, wrapped up in their pride and delusions, dismiss this attack as merely some force of nature,” Gnocchi said. “All this does is make sure that if any other candidate but myself take office, thousands or even millions of good Americans' lives will be lost.”
This entire statement is built on a false premise. Gnocchi only focuses on his candidates throughout his statement, and provides no solution for fixing or giving life to a new beloved Montana YMCA.
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